Mom Intuition

Two things were born on the afternoon my daughter entered this world. My daughter. And me.

More precisely, this new version of me that was a mom. Who had never been a mom.

Every nurse we had told us that moms have this magical thing called “intuition.” And if I had a sparkling sense of something might be wrong, it probably was and I needed to call the doctor right away. How magical that I suddenly grew this ambiguous feeling now that I’m a Mom. Capital M.

Turns out telling an anxious and perfectionistic person whose brain is now awash with postpartum hormones that they have this “intuition” is more anxiety producing than telling her, “It’s ok to call the doctor as much as you need.”

And by the way, anxious people have terrible intuition. That’s quite literally the problem with anxiety. They need to learn to listen to their anxious guts less.

My brother and I grew up as children in a household of doctors, in a family of doctors. And what they say about being doctors’ kids are true. We didn’t go to the doctor for sick visits. We just puked in a bucket and got a cold rag on our heads. We usually just waited it out. This was the 90s before not taking meds was sexy.

I tried this waiting out approach with my first child. I had heard about parents calling the doctor obsessively over every snort. A pediatric ER nurse friend told me that she’s seen people taking their kid to the ER because of baby acne. I was determined to not be that parent and to operate under the assumption that everything is fine and parents are dramatic. I was going to be a “Chill Mom.” I committed to being “Chill Mom.” Capital C capital M.

When my daughter was two months old, she woke up from a nap with a mysteriously puffy eyelid. On a self righteous and totally “Chill Mom” whim I messaged the doctor. I hit “send” on the picture and gleefully thought how calm of a parent I was. How gloriously on top of things but in an effortless way. How appreciative she will be that I thought to nonchalantly message her, “no pressure at all, about my child’s puffy eyelid but when you have a chance will you look at this?” She probably has nothing to do. She’s probably BORED and would love an update on my 2 month old.

And look at the picture she did, just to tell me that it was a serious infection and if Camille was a week younger it would have sent her to the ER. That day I learned two words: dacryocystitis and clindamycin. Hate both. Still.

Needless to say, my nonchalance as a parent ended that day. The first vomit. The first fever had me calling the doctor for the next year of my daughter’s life. Bye “Chill Mom.” Intuition might be real for some moms, but not for this one.

Over two and a half years have gone by, and I’ve gained some new skills. I’ve gained another baby, who threw us for a loop when he decided to be a totally different baby. Through all the doctors calls and visits, I’ve picked up a few things. I’ve learned when to call and when to probably wait something out. I’ve learned Tylenol and ibuprofen schedules. I’ve learned how to suction noses and clean knocked out teeth (put them in milk—the teeth, not the nose). I’ve learned how to assess the difference between a tired cry, hungry cry, or a bored cry. I’ve learned sleep cycles and regressions. I’ve given up on real food and teaching someone that ketchup is indeed a sauce and not the main feast. I’ve learned mom intuition is built over time.

Currently mom intuition is being built in the toddler trials and tribulation. The problem: never had a toddler before. The solution: have a toddler and figure it out.

There’s also more to uncover about my fear toward not getting it right or getting it perfectly. I could always lean more into the joy of the unknown and accepting the current chaos (overwhelm is temporary…right???). Sometimes that doesn’t always feel attainable. Chill Mom has been reduced to chill mom. Lower case c lower case m.

So yes. Mom intuition is real. It is a thing. It is what prompts me to take the kids to doctors at the right time, but it also took me a year to figure that out. Being a mom is complex, and layered. My past with my own family mingles with the present. The future can loom in scary ways if I let my anxious gut tell me what’s going on (remember: anxiety makes us think our intuition is correct. It hardly ever is.)

The best I can do for my children is truly to work on myself. It’s to find the middle ground between nonchalance and anxiety. There’s a wisdom in knowing that you know nothing, and that you do know something. It’s all absurd and all wild. All beautiful and all extremely mundane.

The quote by Rainer Maria Rilke comes to my mind, “The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.”

Those who have a newborn know the defeat by the greater things. Those who have a toddler know the defeat of a greater thing. Those who have difficult teens know the pain of loving the difficult greater thing.

May we all find the joy in being defeated by the greater thing. May it grow our wisdom and our true intuition.